Old Shit We Like: #1 06/10/03
Okay, what do you think of when you think of the original Nintendo? That's right, River City Ransom. Rock Candy is also an acceptable answer. Because Rock Candy, much like River City Ransom, rocks the proverbial Kasbah. And no, that wasn't a pun, jackass. Look at that, I made THREE 80's references. How b'dass is I now? ...Never mind. I'm a sad, sad man.
River City Ransom quite possibly revolutionized the scrolling fighter genre much in the same way Wolfenstein 3D did for first-person shooters. For its time it was an innovative piece of art... Then again, that can also be said for the movie Max Hedrome... God I hate that movie.
In any case, River City Ransom is the 8-bit chronicle of our heroes Alex and Ryan-see, Ryan’s stupid fucking girlfriend got kidnapped, so now they have to go around in a town populated entirely by frat boys, jocks, and generic people who want to beat them to death, beat the shit out of them first, and find the stupid woman before they slit her throat. IT’S FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!!11!111oneoneonecake
Along the way you beat a lot of people unconscious. And I do mean a lot; somewhere in the low thousands. And for some reason they all carry quarters or something, which you can then use-hitting a man with a garbage can and stealing his money FOR GREAT JUSTICE-to buy awesome upgrades like stone hands and dragon feet...to beat the shit out of more people. Only faster.
The bosses consist of the generic bad guys, except with sunglasses or some shit to let you know that they are indeed more badass than the last 673 badasses you beat the shit out of before coming to him. Sometimes they'll come in pairs, sometimes alone, but always a pain in the ass. Unless YOU ARE SUPAR AWESOME GUY NO. 1! ^_^
The characters and background are unique in themselves. Their blocky heads and Ray Liotta hair, classic. And how can you forget the cook that's in EVERY friggin' restaurant.
I can just imagine the dialogue the cook must have with Alex/Ryan.
"Say, young man, where’s that whore of a woman you’re always hanging around?"
"She’s been kidnapped. We’re pretty sure it wasn’t pirates...look, just give me some sushi. I’ve been beating on frat boys all day and I need raw fish or I’ll die and loose my quarters."
"That’s pretty fucked up...why are you holding a metal chain?"
"FOR GREAT JUSTICE."
Despite being a little kitschy and basic, River City Ransom is a classic game-inspiring other games like Final Fight and Streets of Rage...which were other classics we’ll probably go on and on about. RCR is still one of the most fun games out there...where else can you adopt the moniker of a chunky guy named Alex who goes around beating the shit out of frat boys with garbage cans in order to steal their money to buy sushi?
